Blair Waldorf Wishes You A Naughty Halloween
by supergirlscafe
Summary: Blair helps Chuck pick out the perfect Halloween costume. Fluffy, snarky, Waldass dialogue just in time for the holidays. Through Ep 2x8.


Disclaimer:  I do not own anything Gossip Girl related, lalala.  If I did, well...I could only be so lucky.

Timeline:  Post the events of 2x8.

**Blair Waldorf Wishes You a Naughty Halloween**

"Waldorf?"

Pause.

"Waldorf?"

Pause.

"Blair, come on."

"I thought we were going to wait for the future."

Pause.

"I'm sorry, were there too many words in that sentence for you?"

"Stop being such a royal bitch, Blair. I thought we had an agreement."

"Funny you should say that, actually. You should see what I'm going to be for Halloween, it's-"

"Let's go, Waldorf, we've got people to fuck over."

"Correction. You have people to fuck over. I have a maintenance appointment at J Sisters in an hour and a half."

"Great, so we've got time. We're going."

"We're going? Bass, what the hell? Sexual harassment wasn't enough for you, now you're going to add kidnapping and assault to your rap sheet?"

"The charges were dropped, and I'm so glad you're keeping the "innocent until proven guilty" motto of our justice system in mind."

"As I recall from our Social Justice unit in APUSH, the motto rarely seems to apply to disadvantaged minorities."

"Are you denying that I'm particularly well-endowed?"

"No, I'm implying that when you get discriminated against for not having a brain-oh, ew, Chuck, please! Keep it to yourself!"

"You always used to enjoy it."

"Ugh. The last time I 'enjoyed' your innuendo I ended up squashed in a helicopter with some sleazy wannabe corporate crook. I'll pass, thanks."

"I expect you'll change your mind later."

"As if anything could possibly change my mind about you."

--

"I lied, you're even more depraved than I thought."

"Really? I thought the sweater fit nicely, a bit like-"

"On no planet would being a British schoolboy endear you to anyone!"

"It 'endeared' Marcus to you."

"Ugh. Incestuous assholes are so last season."

"That hurts, Waldorf."

"Yeah, well, it's not like you could pull off the look anyway."

"Hey, my accent fooled you, didn't it?"

"Alright. Next costume."

Long pause.

"Oh my god. Sequins. White, skintight fabric. How did you ever think that this would be acceptable?"

"I just asked the proprietor to put a few things on hold in my size! How would I know he'd pick Elvis? Besides, I like the man, he got laid practically every-"

"And he died friendless and alone. How fitting."

Pause.

Pause.

"Okay, I'll try on something else."

Long pause.

"Now this one is certainly more fitting."

"You think the red sets off my skin tone?"

"I was actually going to say that this costume'll be even more thrifty now with the whole recession business, you'll be able to use your natural fangs!"

"How environmentally friendly you are, Miss Waldorf."

"Hardly. I've just been brushing up on current events for my Yale alumni interview. Are you aware that the country is in a financial crisis?"

"Yes, in fact, we've had to move our Christmas vacation from Monaco to St. Bart's. The fuel prices, you understand."

"Uh-huh."

"Hmm, perhaps I should go for a more environmentally-themed costume then?"

"To signify your deeply sensitive side?"

"Naturally."

Long pause.

"Leopard-print was not what I meant by sensitive, Chuck!"

"What? I think the jungle-Tarzan-shtick could work for me."

"A little too much leg, pretty boy."

"Fine."

Long pause.

"Now there's a good one. Irony at its best."

Laughter.

"Chuck Bass, a man of the law. Who would've thought?"

"I do like having my guns at my side."

"I am so sure."

"Besides, haven't you heard the saying 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer?'"

"Of course."

"I think a policeman might be a fine career path."

More laughter.

"I just can't see it. Besides, flashing that badge probably won't get the intoxicated, underage models on your side."

"Good point."

Pause. Snicker.

"What is your costume? Maybe we could match."

Short pause. "I'm not telling."

"Fine. I bet you got your costume here too, you know. I can just ask the sales rep-"

Pause.

"Christ, Waldorf, what did you get that would make the flaming salesman raise an eyebrow?"

"None of your business, Bass."

"Oh, come on, Blair! Don't do this to me."

"What, you going crazy just thinking of what I could have picked to satisfy your fantasy?"

"God, yes."

"Bass?"

"Yeah?"

"Nah, I'll let you suffer."

"Fuck you."

"You wish."

"Haven't we had this conversation before?"

--

"So what did you think of my final pick?"

"Shush, Bass, I'm trying to find something remotely healthy on this menu."

"Stop pretending, Blair, I know this is your favorite French restaurant in Midtown. You forget, I'm not Nathaniel."

"No, Chuck."

"No, what?"

"I'm pretty sure I've known you're not Nathaniel for a while now."

Pause.

Pause.

"Ah-hem. So, back to the costumes, what is the verdict?"

"Well, I suppose in a perverse way, it fits. Julius Caesar certainly liked my disguise."

"Wait, who are you? Please tell me a scantily-clad Roman goddess. You'd look wonderful in a skimpy sheet. Or, better yet, you could be a nude nymph. Aren't those Greco-Roman?"

"Please, Bass, try to be slightly more creative. Remember how I said my costume exuded royalty?"

Pause.

Pause.

"Queen Cleopatra? Waldorf, are you trying to kill me? I might not survive Iz's annual Halloween bash if you are dressed like Elizabeth Taylor in that ancient movie."

"Let's just say I used her as inspiration. She also knew how to command a room, after all."

"Scratch that. The other men in attendance might not survive the night if I see them looking at you."

"Oh, Bass, how you forget."

Pause.

"Our 'agreement,' as you so charmingly put it, does not include me being celibate."

"Any change of an amendment to fix that, then?"

"As if you could agree to do the same for yourself."

Pause.

Pause.

"I really hate this agreement, have I mentioned that?"

"Come on, Bass, think of it this way. The future could be two minutes from now, if you wanted it. Or two years. Or two decades. The fun is in the surprise!"

Pause.

Sigh.

Pause.

"Oh, don't look at me like that. Waiting for the future was your idea."

"Yeah? Tell that to this-"

"You don't have to be crude-"

"-cause it definitely is not thinking about waiting, you got me?"

"And I repeat: This agreement was your idea. If you want to renege, here's your chance."

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

"Well, I've got to go-"

"Blair, wait."

Pause.

"Will you be my date to Iz's party?"

"What about our agreement?"

"I think…you're right."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"The future is right now."

Pause. Kiss.

"Chuck Bass, a romantic. Who knew?"

Pause.

Pause.

"Only you."

**A/N:**  What did y'all think?  I know it's random, brief, and weird, but honestly I'm harboring a passionate longing for the snarky banter of non-angsty episodes past.  This is the same dialogue style I used last year for "Blair Waldorf Wishes You A Happy Hanukkah" (ah, when the GG fandom was still in its fledgling stages) and I hope this fic brings some well-needed seasonal cheer to the weary GG fandom's heart.  I'd love to hear what you all thought-review please :)


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